heathArz (heatharz) wrote in ozzfest,

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Ozzfest Etiquette

So this is my second year woeking as a vendor on Ozzfest. I've worked several other tours in the past few years, and I've come to observe things about you, the concert-goers, that I feel I need to share.

First and foremost: For 90% of you, this year's show is/was FREE. You are seeing Ozzy fucking Osbourne for NOTHING. Therefore:

a) DO NOT bitch about paying for parking. Yes, $20 is pretty steep (moreso for you midwesterners than the east/westcoasters where that's expected). Park in Walmart down the road and pile 10 people into your ratty old pickup truck. That way, everyone only owes $2.
b) DO NOT bitch about the price of beer/booze. If you're smart, you'd down 5 shots of Jager in the parking lot before you came in to get your buzz started, or you'd fill a water bottle with vodka/clear rum. Beer and booze is going to be a MINIMUM of $6 a glass.
c) DO NOT try to haggle the vendors to drop their tshirt prices. We are all on the whole tour, so YES - that tshirt with the "shocker" on it that you think is oh-so-hilarious is still going to be $20 at 11:00.  (On that note: none of us are going to sell you our banners, either). Exception: Buy us a shot/beer and we may come to a deal with you.
d) Don't hit on the vendors (unless you're a cute girl and the vendor's a guy). As for us girls: drunken flirting will not get you free stickers. None of us are going to go home with you. And really, unless you're superfuckinghot (which, by the way, is not a beer-belly, swastika tattoo, and snaggletooth combination, contrary to what you may think) we're rarely going to even acknowledge your pervy comments.
e) The show is free - NOTHING ELSE IS. BRING CASH. Most of the vendors take credit cards, too. Don't whine about being broke.
f) DO NOT try and steal shit from our tables. You will be punched several times by several angry men, taken to the police, punished accordingly, and escorted out of the venue with a bloody lip.
g) It's probably a good idea to bring a backpack/messenger bag of some kind to carry things around in. You'll end up leaving with more than you came in with.
h) Your comments are not original; we've heard it all. Sorry to burst your bubble, but asking for "free samples" at the I %hearts; Vagina booth is not funny, cute, or original - it's super fucking lame, annoying, and makes us want to chuck a fucking brick at your skull. Same goes for asking the Chronic Candy guys if you can buy pot off of them.

and last, but not least:
please, for the love of god, if you are not in decent physical shape, keep your damned clothes on and spare us the eyesores.

whew. feels good to vent :p

Thanks to everyone who's been semi-human throughout the tour so far. As for the northeast: let's suck a little less than, say, Kansas, Missouri and Indiana... haha.

~your friendly Vagina salesgirl :)
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